The Gift of Tone

Oftentimes, I feel like we are at odds with one another. Doctors and patients. Parents and kids. Experts and the naïve. In every direction, underlying the dynamic of one person trying to help another there often seems to be a tone of disinterest, disdain, or even distrust—which makes absolutely no sense if the idea is to help each other.     

I have always felt this in the world of pediatrics, but maybe that’s because I came of age as a doctor just as Andrew Wakefield and his cult of vaccine skepticism first emerged. When I started out in medical school, I envisioned my role as a doctor going something like this: I work my butt off to learn a bunch of stuff that I can pass along to people who didn’t learn all that stuff so that they could live healthier, safer lives. The way it actually went, from day one working in hospitals and clinics, was this: people were psyched to get my information until it bumped up against something in their world – a belief or an experience – and then suddenly we were on opposite poles and I was unable to effectively share my knowledge without major finesse. This became evermore true as my career morphed from seeing patients in an office to writing and speaking to large audiences. It was never that I was supposed to be right and they were inherently wrong, not at all! But this us/them mentality engulfs us, setting us all up for communication failure that requires an investment of energy and effort if it is to be overcome.

And so, I have spent two decades gently negotiating with parents and kids, approaching every single health question from the clear perspective that we are on the same team. It’s very effective, but it’s also completely exhausting.

These days, the goal feels increasingly elusive. When I wake up each morning and scroll through my email inbox, my newsfeeds are cluttered with negative, fear-mongering headlines. Even the mainstream pediatric health blogs, like the one I woke up to a few days ago, are yelling: Kids injured by lawnmowers! Trump walks back e-cig ban! Football, cheerleading and gymnastics send kids to ER! Bad eating habits start at young ages! This negativity does little to spread good information. Okay, so lawnmowers can be dangerous – but people can also be taught to use them safely. Information that follows a headline designed to scare us into reading it often falls on deaf ears because it is so frightening by design; the exact same information that follows an opportunity to do better feels more achievable. The only difference? Tone.

Each month, I lead off my newsletter with a post packed with links to articles about a health-related issue. This month is different: no links, no specific diagnosis or public health dilemma. Rather, a momentary reflection on how we speak to one another and weigh each other’s perspectives. Because next week marks the kick-off of the holiday season, where families across America will gather around Thanksgiving tables, an excuse to experiment with shifting tone. Sure, about health-related topics (from vaping to vaccines, all fair game), but also about broader topics, all topics really, because tone impacts emotional experience and emotional experience impacts health. The logic is perfectly circular. Let’s all start speaking to one another, as opposed to at one another, even when we disagree, because almost everyone shares a common goal of wellness.

Doctors and patients, parents and kids, experts and the naïve, listen to one another and speak with more humanity. This holiday, give the gift of shifting tone.