Therapeutic Laughter

Comedian meets mom meets social change agent. That’s Dani Klein Modisett. We’ve been friends for many years, and during that entire time she has made me laugh. But now, she’s inspiring me, too. You’ll see why – just read on.

CN: Dani Klein Modisett, who are you?

DKM: I’m a writer/comedian/teacher/actor for the past 25 years. I taught stand up at UCLA to undergrads and continuing ed for 10 years. I have authored two books on the importance of laughter in family life, the first is an anthology I edited called “Afterbirth…stories you won’t read in a parenting magazine.” After that I researched and wrote a book proving my thesis that couples who laugh together stay together called, “Take My Spouse, Please.” While on tour with this book my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Dementia. A few years into this brutal illness, I became determined to find a way to bring some joy and laughter into her life, so I hired a comedian to focus just on her and it changed her life. Then I launched, Laughter On Call, a company that brings comedians to people with Alzheimer’s and other dementia’s and runs workshops for caregivers and families in how to create and share laughter against very tough odds. I live in Los Angeles, am a mother of two boys, 12 & 16, and I have been married to Tod Modisett for 18 years.

CN: I cannot even remember how we met, but we bonded on the show Perfectly Imperfect Parents, where you taught me to laugh at my parenting because this was far better than the alternative. Around the same time, your mom got sick. Can you talk about that a little bit, and your experience caring for a generation on either side?

DKM: I’m the filling of the “Sandwich generation”. My new joke is that I spend my days commuting between a mother who doesn’t know who I am, and two teenagers who wish they didn’t. It’s challenging. In fact, it’s a Sunday afternoon, my son needs help with homework but I have not seen my mother this weekend and I feel badly about it. But if I leave him here, I will feel badly about that. I often feel like I am disappointing someone. Not to mention my husband too, right? And I have to go the gym because physical exercise is the number one deterrent from Alzheimer’s, but I also need to go to Trader Joe’s and there are thank you notes that have to be written, and the dog who smells like the mud he lays in all day…etc. I don’t think I could sound more like a suburban housewife, but the stream in my head of “I should be doing X” is pretty constant. The only thing to do is rant a little and laugh about it and recognize that it’s all temporary.

CN: Talk about Laugher On Call. It’s such an amazing program!

DKM: Laughter On Call is a business I launched a year ago. The backstory is that my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and living alone in NYC. After a few years of trying to manage her care from across the country, my sister and I decided it was best if she came to LA be near me and my sons.

Because her senior residence looks like a fancy hotel, initially she was okay. But within a few months I think she realized she was not leaving and became depressed. She wasn’t eating and was sitting by herself. I felt terrible about this. Being someone who has always felt that laughter is the answer, I thought, I wish I could hire a comedian to cheer her up. I had too much history with her to make her laugh, when she sat with me, she saw her past, and loss and felt unable to communicate with someone who was blood. But maybe a comedian could do it! I posted on Facebook, “Looking for comedian, interested in gerontology, paid gig.” My phone rang five minutes later. A comedian friend from NYC had just hung up with a comic in LA who wanted to work with seniors. I called her and she came and met my mother. She sat down across from her and looked her in the eyes, “I know you don’t want to talk to me, you’re probably thinking who is this schmuck just sitting here trying to talk to me?” My mother’s eyes lit up and she started laughing. Like any good comic, the woman knew she had struck some gold and repeated herself. More laughter. It was so wonderful, something I hadn’t seen in months. I hired her on the spot to visit with my mother 8 hours a week. Very quickly, my mother’s mood changed dramatically. She began eating again and singing and engaging with her community. Seeing this, I knew this idea was much bigger and needed to reach more people. Then another family approached the comic, “We see what you are doing and we want this.” That woman became my first client. Then I wrote an article about the experience for AARP and received hundreds of responses from around the country. It was demand I couldn’t ignore so I wrote up a business plan and secured some seed money. Now, in addition to the one-on-one work, at the request of executive directors, we also have a training curriculum for staff and family members so they can learn some simple comedians’ tools to create shared laughter with their loved ones. We’re in about 20 residences in Southern California and after a recent article in the Washington Post, are in the process of creating Laughter On Call hubs in cities and neighborhoods around the U.S. We are fully committed to helping people show up for Alzheimer’s and bringing whatever joy and laughter is possible. As the numbers of people affected by this disease increase exponentially, they are anticipating 14 million Americans by 2050, we also want to change the conversation around cognitive decline by reducing the shame that often hits families, either from witnessing the ravages of the disease itself, or their own lack of courage to show up for it. As a culture we have to learn how to be honest about dementia and learn how to be in the room with it. We want to send a strong message that as dark as it gets, it’s okay to laugh. In fact, it’s important.

CN: Are your kids involved? Does humor help them manage the challenge of caring for their grandmother?

DKM: My boys are definitely involved, when someone has Alzheimer’s the whole family is affected. Seems like ages ago, but one of the reasons my mother landed at Silverado Beverly Place is that my older son did his community service for his bar mitzvah volunteering there. My younger son comes with me to visit, and I’m not going to lie, it’s very hard for him, the visuals alone can be daunting. But he knows where the sodas are kept and when Bingo is being played, he runs to the front to call out the numbers. Both the boys do their best to connect with Grandma, who doesn’t have much language anymore but if you make a silly face and hold her hand you can definitely get her to smile. And most days she still looks at them adoringly. Responding to these questions I am very aware how terribly sad this sounds, I don’t deny it. It’s just not sad every second, which is why Laughter On Call exists - to create and nurture the moments where there is the possibility for shared laughter and connection.

CN: Based upon this experience, what advice do you have for other parents about how they – and their kids – can help the older generation?

DKM: The best part, if there is any good part, is that including your children in the experience gives them a masters in compassion. They will take their cues from you and how you respond to the situation. Which is not to say you never cry in front of them or experience frustration, but that you continue to show up and do your best to communicate with your loved one after mobility and language have left. There are ways to express your love for someone even when you are not getting much back, to keep looking them in the eyes and by talking to them. It matters more than any of us will probably ever know. I’m thinking these lessons are at least as important at AP Calculus, and might even stay with them longer.

ABOUT DANI KLEIN MODISETT

Writer-comedian Dani Modisett has been performing comedy for over 20 years. Dani taught the art of stand-up comedy at UCLA for over a decade and has produced numerous live comedy shows all over the U.S. Her work has addressed some of the biggest changes in a person’s life—from marriage and parenting to caring for an aging parents—and how humor can help. Her positive, upbeat personality encourages everyone who comes in contact with her. Dani has published Afterbirth: Stories You Won’t Read in a Parenting Magazine an edited anthology of stories that focus on laughter and the family life and Take My Spouse, Please, a how-to-laugh-more in your marriage book that works!

She is the Founder & CEO of Laughter On Call